I need an exorcist!!!!!

If i go ahead and ask "why me" again, i'll be doing myself great injustice. Because i have come to realize that there is something else.....very EVIL (note the caps) that is controlling shit around me. I mean the kind of shit that happens to me is sometimes too unreal. so i have decided not to chase after this pudesh or to be my boy's wingman ever again.I mean is it that i'm trying too hard or what? The last two days have driven me right into hell and back....All this because i want to get cured of of the elephantisis plaguing my balls. the shit i have gone through just to unload, i have lost all hope ( i might actually never get any!!!!)
So two days ago we go out of state with my boy. he has this jumpoff that he goes to see when he needs a fix. His jumpoff promised to have somebody for me, so i'm all excited coz finally i can reduce the size of this two jupiters to mercuries or something smaller. i tag along without question. we get there after four hours or so hours of driving. It was already dark when we g0t the this chile's digs. we went out for a few drinks and as she promised, she has one of her friends for me. so i'm thinking finally my streak is going to end. This friend of hers was white, not all that good to look at but at this point who cares (as a begger, how can i choose?) i just need to burst nut real fast. She was a little on the thick end...who i'm i kidding this chic had to be like a buck eighty atleast but from what she was wearing you couldn't tell that much.Anyway i put through my best macks to ensure that she feels me and shit. I was so horny that i didn't need to get that drunk to talk to her...I'm not usually a chubby chaser but this was desperate times. I know you are probably asking why don't i just beat off instead of putting myself through all this, but my religion is totally against that kind of stuff. But then again it is also against sex before marriage but at this day and age who follows that. So not Jerking off is the only thing i can oblige for my religion.
Back to this chic.... she gets drunk also and she's starts feeling me....( i mean i know i'm ugly but i couldn't be that bad that a chic has to get drunk and mind you it's an ugly chic too) anyway no complaints. we split ways with my boy and his jumpoff and i go home with this fatty. we get to her place, tells me to give her a few seconds, she walks into her bedroom. by this time i can't help noticing that a guy also lives here. maybe it's her ex? i think to myself but i need this so badly to even process such kind of thoughts. she call me in after five minutes and i walk into her bedroom. At this time bwana nani is hard as hell i mean it's been five minutes and he is almost causing a riot. I walk into the bedroom and what i saw made johnnie shrink faster than......There she was naked on the bed and the only thing i could think of was Peter Griffin....(for those who have watched family guy you know what i mean) her tumbo was so big you'd think she was pregnant. She must have been wearing a corset before that is why it was not noticeable. Takes my like ten minutes to get over the Peter Griffin image, and finally bwana mkubwa decides do co-operate.
We start doing the do, no fore play(no patience for that). Just as i was about to get there some big, white, biker looking dude walks in. so i jump off this bitch and take grab my clothes. The dude walks out of the room and comes back like two seconds later with a baseball bat. for the life of me i can't understand why i was still standing there. I see the baseball bat and head for the window... dude running after me and the freakin window is closed. As i was opening it he hit me in the back.Lucky for me the swing wasn't that hard otherwise i would have been Knocked out right then. I jump through the window before he could swing again. I go down the fire escape and jump over the fence into the next house backyard. I stop to start dressing up. Just then this two rockwilders come charging one going for my hand and the other one for my nuts.....Shhhhiiiiiitttt.... Busted balls wasn't how i envision getting rid of this jupiters. That little devil bit me so hard i couldn't scream. The owner came out to call the dogs off but them shits wouldn't let go....He calls the cops and i have never been happier to see them boys in blue.
Anyway long story short i was taken to the hospital and then after being discharged spent the night at the police station. Charged with trespassing. I call my boy, who conviniently shows up the next day at 2pm to bail me out. The only thing i can figure out is that i need the to get saved or something....I think there is an evil out there controlling my life. Any exorsists out there to help me get rid of this demons?