I need an exorcist!!!!!

If i go ahead and ask "why me" again, i'll be doing myself great injustice. Because i have come to realize that there is something else.....very EVIL (note the caps) that is controlling shit around me. I mean the kind of shit that happens to me is sometimes too unreal. so i have decided not to chase after this pudesh or to be my boy's wingman ever again.I mean is it that i'm trying too hard or what? The last two days have driven me right into hell and back....All this because i want to get cured of of the elephantisis plaguing my balls. the shit i have gone through just to unload, i have lost all hope ( i might actually never get any!!!!)
So two days ago we go out of state with my boy. he has this jumpoff that he goes to see when he needs a fix. His jumpoff promised to have somebody for me, so i'm all excited coz finally i can reduce the size of this two jupiters to mercuries or something smaller. i tag along without question. we get there after four hours or so hours of driving. It was already dark when we g0t the this chile's digs. we went out for a few drinks and as she promised, she has one of her friends for me. so i'm thinking finally my streak is going to end. This friend of hers was white, not all that good to look at but at this point who cares (as a begger, how can i choose?) i just need to burst nut real fast. She was a little on the thick end...who i'm i kidding this chic had to be like a buck eighty atleast but from what she was wearing you couldn't tell that much.Anyway i put through my best macks to ensure that she feels me and shit. I was so horny that i didn't need to get that drunk to talk to her...I'm not usually a chubby chaser but this was desperate times. I know you are probably asking why don't i just beat off instead of putting myself through all this, but my religion is totally against that kind of stuff. But then again it is also against sex before marriage but at this day and age who follows that. So not Jerking off is the only thing i can oblige for my religion.
Back to this chic.... she gets drunk also and she's starts feeling me....( i mean i know i'm ugly but i couldn't be that bad that a chic has to get drunk and mind you it's an ugly chic too) anyway no complaints. we split ways with my boy and his jumpoff and i go home with this fatty. we get to her place, tells me to give her a few seconds, she walks into her bedroom. by this time i can't help noticing that a guy also lives here. maybe it's her ex? i think to myself but i need this so badly to even process such kind of thoughts. she call me in after five minutes and i walk into her bedroom. At this time bwana nani is hard as hell i mean it's been five minutes and he is almost causing a riot. I walk into the bedroom and what i saw made johnnie shrink faster than......There she was naked on the bed and the only thing i could think of was Peter Griffin....(for those who have watched family guy you know what i mean) her tumbo was so big you'd think she was pregnant. She must have been wearing a corset before that is why it was not noticeable. Takes my like ten minutes to get over the Peter Griffin image, and finally bwana mkubwa decides do co-operate.
We start doing the do, no fore play(no patience for that). Just as i was about to get there some big, white, biker looking dude walks in. so i jump off this bitch and take grab my clothes. The dude walks out of the room and comes back like two seconds later with a baseball bat. for the life of me i can't understand why i was still standing there. I see the baseball bat and head for the window... dude running after me and the freakin window is closed. As i was opening it he hit me in the back.Lucky for me the swing wasn't that hard otherwise i would have been Knocked out right then. I jump through the window before he could swing again. I go down the fire escape and jump over the fence into the next house backyard. I stop to start dressing up. Just then this two rockwilders come charging one going for my hand and the other one for my nuts.....Shhhhiiiiiitttt.... Busted balls wasn't how i envision getting rid of this jupiters. That little devil bit me so hard i couldn't scream. The owner came out to call the dogs off but them shits wouldn't let go....He calls the cops and i have never been happier to see them boys in blue.
Anyway long story short i was taken to the hospital and then after being discharged spent the night at the police station. Charged with trespassing. I call my boy, who conviniently shows up the next day at 2pm to bail me out. The only thing i can figure out is that i need the to get saved or something....I think there is an evil out there controlling my life. Any exorsists out there to help me get rid of this demons?

Just an observation....

Having lived in this land of the U.S of A i have encountered a lot of stuff but none as disturbing as the fact that there is a very huge number of Gay people..(don't get me wrong, i love to see some girl on girl action) but the whole boy thing is just disturbing. The other thing i have realized is that American girls suck dick way better than Kenyan girls. (I know you are probably asking what gay dudes and american girls have in common). Well i have been thinking about that and realized that both of this two species like to suck dick. so i ask why?
I have been doing some research/observations of late and i have come to the following conclusion...but before i tell you whatt i have come up with let me state that i don't believe that one is born gay!!! I think, and my research will show, that parents are the source of all the dudes being gay. i don't blame the parents entirely coz as i will show, i thank them for the ability of this girls giving such great head.
Have you ever head of this thing called the pacifier???just in case you didn't know, it is that kathing that this parents give their kids to suck on so that they don't cry or some shit like that. Anyway most american born kids have had this in their mouths for prolonged periods of time when they were little. So you can imagine these kids just suck on this things for hours on end. As the saying goes practice practice makes perfect, this is what this pacifier does to this kids. They suck on it for too long that they become experts in the field of sucking. When this kids grow up there are no longer given a pacifier to suck on hence the need to suck on other stuff. The only suckable thing out there happens to be bwana nani, so as a result the girls are already experts from birth and the weak species of boys (who cannot get over the urge of sucking stuff) become dick loving individuals...
So my recomendation is that if you are a parent and you have a son don't give then the pacifier as the results might be dire. However, if your kid is a girl (african parents note this) give you them the pacifier as we all know that a girl that can give excellent and loves to give head can keep a guy and a marriage....

why me?????????

See....talk about coincidence...it so happens that everytime i try to go to the bathroom that's when mamaz call me..(not the ones that call just to say hi..the ones that keep you on the phone for atleast an hour)...and i'm not talking about number 1.. so i'm alway there trying to harakisha her so that i can go do my thing....so i resolved to do my thing while i'm on the phone with whoever. problem comes when i finish before the conversation is over...then comes the dilemma do i tell them to hold while i flush (coz i don't want her to know what i'm doing) ama just sit there for i don't know how long until she get's off the damn phone????(don't bother telling me what to do coz i ain't doing that shit no more)
The other day i was on my regular harakati of talking while taking a shit.. i had just bought this cool expensive phone...being the kind of jamaa that doesn't loose things, i didn't see the need to buy insurance for the damn thing(fuck me!!!!)it so happens that that was the day shit was all going wrong for me.
i had just asked my friend to loan me his sleek ass car that night..(had to impress this new kachic i had asked out)....why lie i hadn't gotten laid in a while, my balls were hanging like i had elphantisis on the nuts...anyway i pick up the car and start driving to the chics house, excited that that streak of not having any was about to end..running kinda late started speeding to get there. should have listened to my uncle when he told me there is nothing worth rushing to, but this was an emergency. as soon as i hit the highway i get pulled over...that's when i found out that a darkie, with a funny accent, driving a sleek moti that's not registered under his name don't go hand in hand. fuck that shithole cop kept me there for 45minutes trying to verify i didn't sanya this moti. so i call the kachic and tell her i'll be running late kidogo.(do you know how long 45minutes is when you haven't had any in a while???????)...the cop lets me go after all that with a $400 ticket. by now the traffic has started to pile up so i take an alternate route. was surprised there were no cars on that route, so i speed up. i went over some train tracks with a huge pothole by the time i landed after hitting it, the tires on my left side(both front and back) bust....fuck me three times!!!! what the hell!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!time to call AAA..i knew i should have gotten AAA plus but shit for brains me forgot to upgrade. AAA shows up an hour later as usual so i tow the car to some garage my friend told me to take it to and left the car outside the shop. i get a cab home called it a night.fuck!!!
As soon as i get home the kachic calls me....that's when i was about to go the the bathroom and take a shit.. so i sit on the bowl start doing my thing while explaining to her why I stood her up. I get done doing my thing and tell her to hold kidogo..put the phone on the sink, wiped, washed my hands....i reach for the phone to press hold so that i can flush and accidentally hit it into the bowl...NOW WHAT!!!!!!!!!!! the funny thing is that the phone doesn't turn off immediately, it's still blinking...and i can hear her on the other end...now do i reach in and take the phone? ama just flush and hope everything but the phone goes in? i decide to do the latter. fuck me once again the phone goes...that shit cost me a fortune and now it's gone bila insurance...what did i ever do to deserve this?
so i go to bed feeling worse than a constipated elephant (oh yeah look up the phase, it does exist)... just to be worken up by my roomate at six in the morning that i have a phone call from my friend telling me the shop guys called and the car has been broken into outside the shop.

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH TWO RIMS, TWO TIRES, AND A REAR WINDOW COST ON A LEXUS?????????????

So here i am broke a hell, with a $400 dollar ticket left to pay and the points and insurance hike that comes with it. no phone.. and my balls are still the size of two jupiters....

SO I ASK WHY ME?????????????